CORNISH, NH—In this big dramatic production that didn’t do anyone any good (and was pretty embarrassing, really, if you think about it), thousands upon thousands of phonies across the country mourned the death of author J.D. Salinger, who was 91 years old for crying out loud. “He had a real impact on the literary world and on millions of readers,” said hot-shot English professor David Clarke, who is just like the rest of them, and even works at one of those crumby schools that rich people send their kids to so they don’t have to look at them for four years. “There will never be another voice like his.” Which is exactly the lousy kind of goddamn thing that people say, because really it could mean lots of things, or nothing at all even, and it’s just a perfect example of why you should never tell anybody anything.
This is perfect. They probably had it on deck for so many years.
sunday and monday are the best days to have off. for me, a case of the mondays is eating breakfast in bed and visiting my old friends on the ship serenity. also, it’s raining and windy outside. i am not outside. huzzah.
if there is one thing metallica fans like us know, it’s that metallica is a portmanteau of metallic + replica. speaking of portmanteaux, here are a few that i have been dreaming up since posting the first list exactly 400 days ago*.
fauxtest: (faux + protest) when one pretends to object but secretly consents. as in: “i know that you actually want to see the latest rom-com with that curvy starlet, stop fauxtesting.”
nonline: (not + online) the opposite of online, a synonym of irl. as in: “i have over 400 online friends but only six nonline ones.”
femine: (feminine + famine) a dearth of females (cf. sausage party)
purityrannical: (puritanical + tyrant) of the nature of a religiously and politically conservative authoritarian figure
bar-b-coup: (barbecue + coup) to override your vegetarian friend’s crappy suggestion to meet up at a nasty falafel joint and instead reroute the party to a bitching bbq spot.
*this is the second post in the misc portmanteax series. posts in this series publish themselves every 400 days. the next post is scheduled for release on february 6, 2011 at which point the mayan gods will have eaten the earth for fourings.
good lord this is fantastic. the link to the first list has some pretty good ones too.
recently my friend and i were discussing his concerns over the possibility that he may, in fact, be a hedonist. i asked him if he was happy about it. he answered yes in a way that certainly has a question mark at the end, so if we follow hedonism in the most literal sense of the word, then he is not, in truth, a hedonist.
my dad used to tell me that it takes absolutely forever to get to 21, and that simply waiting for that age seems like a lifetime. then, once you finally get there, once you finally reach that pinnacle of adulthood, “son, you blink, and the next thing you know, you’re fifty”. the last time he said this was on my 21st birthday, when i took him out for a beer to celebrate his fiftieth. i was listening to his words, but at that time, not really putting them together. (incidentally this is how it goes with nearly every piece of advice he’s ever given me. as i get older, the old man is right about damn near everything. this is only slightly frustrating.)
in feburary i’m going to be 26, and it absolutely feels like we were having this conversation yesterday. in the last five years i’ve lived on my own, lived back home, been engaged, moved across the country, been single, started “adulthood”, been happy, been sad, and am just starting to see what life can/could be. this has been half a decade and i don’t even remember thinking about blinking. alas, the old man is right (again). the thing about this is that it illustrates a larger point. (and yet another time he was right.)
all my life i’ve wished for the ending. i’ve always wanted to be at the next milestone, the next chapter. i suppose this is part human nature (we’re an aspirational generation, one that measures success by how much recognition we can garner at a young age. apparently everbody wants to rule the world.) and part i’m obessed with being middle aged. i want to be established. i want to be married with the kids in college. i want to fast forward. this is not how it works but also unreasonably attractive. if given the choice, would you bypass all the “life lessons”, all the time wasted, to finally, damn it, end up at the happy beginning? (i say beginning because, at this point, middle aged with the kids raised seems like the beginning of what the rest of your life will look like.)
i do not believe that i am alone in this, yet i will concede that the number who agree is probably far less than i think it is. to be fair, most people my age have more immediate aspirations; concerns that are more targeted to the right now. also, i think they’re seemingly content in being youthful. (research supports this. kids are taking longer to leave the nest. grad school is a way of life. mom’s everywhere unite) so it would certainly appear, if the company i keep is any indication, that i’m the only one i know who wants to be middle-aged. concurrently, i am aware that i don’t know what life after 25 actually looks like. i may certainly be embarrassingly wrong, and these could in fact be the best days of my life, but i do not believe this. i believe that what comes later, is what is in fact, better.
“don’t spend your time wishing your life away. what will happen, will happen. be content with where you are right now because you’re never going to be this age again.” this is a statement first spoken by my dad and consequently by everyone who has ever cared about me. i can understand where they are coming from. i will concede that when i (finally) have a family and a troubled teenage girl (i’ve also come to realize that when i am a father, it will be to girls. i’m emotional, protective, and worriesome. this will happen) i will probably say the same things to her. i will tell her to be patient. to enjoy the now. to be content where she is because she will never be this age again. that, looking back, everything in life makes up who you are. makes getting to where you want to end up that much more powerful. i understand that this will happen.